Sivan 5765 – Falling in Love, Sparks…When Does It Happen?

10 Sivan 5765
Falling in Love, Sparks…When does it happen?

Dear Chana,
I just came back from an amazing and inspiring year in Israel. Right away I was suggested to go out with an amazing, shtark, well put together boy. I went out with him twice already. He is everything a girl would ever want. Hes smart, stable, comes from a good family and backround, and we share the same views on life. On paper he has it all!The only thing that’s not there is the excitement. I don’t get excited when he calls or when I see him. There are no “sparks”. I feel like he has more fun on our dates then I do. As of now I don’t care if I see him or don’t see him anymore. I’m not completely turned off from him—I guess I’m just indiffeernt to all this.

Our first date -I wasn’t being myself at all. Being my first shidduch date, I was being painfully shy. There were a lot of awkward moments and I just wanted to dig a hole for myself to hide in. I decided to give it another try thinking it wasn’t fair that he didn’t get to see the real me! The second time I was more relaxed and myself–But still I felt nothing. I’m wondering if i go out with this boy enough times, will I eventually start liking him? My heart says that he’s not for me but my mind says that he has everything I would ever want in a guy. So basically I feel bad giving up on a perfectly good boy even though my insticts tell me I should. Chana, I feel like there aren’t so many genuinely good boys out there and once you get your hands on one then it would be foolish to let him go. Your advice and opinion would be highly appreciated.
I thank you for your time and patience.


Dear JemSem Reader,

Welcome to the world of dating! Being that this is the first boy that you are going out with, so far, you’ve done the right thing. First dates usually are somewhat awkward, being that you and the guy are actually strangers! The fact that you were shy is NORMAL. Many times people aren’t really themselves on the first date. That’s why it is almost always a good idea to go out a second time, unless the date was absolutely terrible. Even then, it would be important to call the shadchan and find out if the reason of why you had a bad date is really there or not. [Like maybe he was extremely quiet and you’re wondering if he actually has a personality or not! It could be that he was just very nervous and acted differently than usual.]

The question is if things are incredibly pareve, what to do? What I find is that another 1 or 2 dates will usually bring some form of clarity of whether to continue or not. The problem is that people have watched too many movies [in their former lives of course!] and think that it will be love at first sight and that they will be swept right off their feet by Prince Charming. Occasionally it may work like that – but it is definitely not the norm! It could take some time for things to grow and flourish. It is a process. By getting to know each other and learning how to open up and share of yourselves slowly – an affection may develop.

There usually isn’t emotion or excitement in leaps and bounds. What you are looking for is small increments of change. Was this date just a bit better than the last? Do you feel that you made a tad of headway and have started connecting some? Can you say that you had a ‘good’ date [ie: better than the last]? Were you somewhat looking forward to the next one? Were you happy to see him? If it seems to be coming along at a steady pace, it may be in order to keep going out and see what happens.

If after 3 or 4 dates, it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere at all – either no change whatsoever or some things that you really feel are negative, then you can end it. You want to feel that in each case you truly gave it the lions share of an effort. I feel that in todays frum dating world people discard others in a flippant and hasty fashion. We live in such an ‘instant’, impatient, and disposable world that often times people just don’t give a relationship the proper time to unfold.

On the other hand, I do not think that the attitude should be, that whether you actually like him or not, it doesn’t matter, just grab him because he’s a real find, is the way to go either. He may be a great catch, but, is he the right one for you? Let it play itself out over a few dates and you’ll see what occurs.

Wishing you clarity!

With Warmest Wishes,