Shevat 5762 – Explaining the Shidduch System

15 Shevat 5762

Dear Chana,

I’m starting to go out on shidduch dates, and I’ve run into problems with some of my more modern family members. They can’t understand why a shadchan is needed and why I can’t just “meet” a boy. The whole process doesn’t make sense to them. Can you help me to explain to them all of the ‘pros’ of shidduchim?

Thanks for your help!

Name & seminary withheld upon request

A great question! Let’s go through some of the great points about the shidduch system and why it is such a superb idea. OK – so how do we do it? Through a shadchan, matchmaker – not as in Yenta of Fiddler on the Roof [you know, “he’s fat and she’s blind – it’s a perfect match!”]. But, think of it more like this analogy:

You are the CEO of a major international corporation. You need a business manager, but you don’t have time to interview every Tom, Dick and Harry who may be qualified. So, in the business world today you hire a headhunter [to the tune of about $12,000 – no joking!] and he finds you two people who are qualified to the bazoodle to run your corporation. Now, what do you do at this point? You interview both of them. You’re going to hire the one that you seem to hit it off better with, where the “chemestry” is stronger – but at least you’re not wasting your time interviewing many others – just two – that are really qualified.

Well, YOU are the CEO of your major international corporation [called your life!] and The shadchan is the headhunter. The shadchan helps you not waste your time, weeding out the ridiculous, and making sure that the people they set you up with are fairly appropriate for you. [If you want to backpack through the world for decades – they won’t fix you up with someone who loves living in a library.]

You can’t just go meeting boys anywhere, because if you’re a nice frum girl you wouldn’t be at places where guys are just hanging out. It doesn’t make sense. So you need a middle man to introduce you to suitable people who are in your ballpark. The shadchan also helps keep it “at arms length” during the first few dates by going through them and not asking the girl out directly, which is really a good thing – because if it’s not shayach and that becomes clear – it’s the shadchan that breaks it off and the person doesn’t have to do it directly. Which is easier for the person who wants to stop it and somewhat less painful for the person who is being rejected.

An additional point for the shidduch system: Something is done during the date which is almost unheard of in the secular world…. Talking!!! About real and meaningful things. As opposed to the third top thing to be doing on a date in the Western World [number one is eating] which is… going to a movie! There you are sitting next to a person for three hours and have no clue who he is!

Also, on the subject of talking about meaningful things – imagine going up to a guy at club who you thought was cute and you wanted to start a conversation with him – this is what IS NOT coming out of your mouth: “Excuse me, could you tell me how you would like to raise your children? What sort of community would you like to live in?” You get the point!

Plus the statistics worldwide for divorce and separation is around 62% – and in the Jewish Orthodox world it is somewhere around 8% or 9% – a vast difference.

I hope these ideas help you to get some positive thoughts accross to your relatives. It is a system that works – tried and proven!

Hatzlacha to you in finding your Bashert in the Sha’a Tova – Bizman Karov!!

With warm wishes,
Chana