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Nissan 5764 – Jewish Etiquette – Who Comes to Whom?


1 Nissan 5764

Jewish Etiquette…
Who Comes to Whom?


Lichvod Rabbi Tendler,

Should a girl have to travel to meet a guy for a shidduch date if the boy wants to be makpid on his seder? Doesn’t the boy have just as much responsibility to try to make a shidduch go through?

Thank you in advance,

Name & Seminary Withheld.

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Dear Name Withheld,

The Gemara in Kiddushin 2b states very clearly that it is normal and proper for the boy to go after the girl when it comes to Shidduchim, and it isn’t normal for the girl to go after the boy. The Gemara compares this to someone who has lost something- the loser goes looking for the lost item. So, too, the man must go seeking his “lost rib”. Obviously, if the girl is coming to town anyway there is nothing wrong with going out- but we see clearly that the normal attitude toward Shidduchim according to the Torah is that it is the boy who has to make the effort.

If a boy feels that he is ready to get married, and a Shidduch is mentioned to him that seems appropriate, he should act on it as soon as possible, even if this means having to give up time from his learning. However, if two girls are being suggested, one local to where he is learning and the other out-of-town, and neither one seems to be more appropriate than the other, it is reasonable that he go out with the one that is local so that he should not have to give up time from his Seder.

The above also extends to financial support. It is clear from Chaza”l (and the Kesubah) that a man should not expect that his wife support him, but he has to accept the responsibilty to support her. Of course, if she wants to help him out, that’s great. However, he shouldn’t think it’s coming to him- he has to realize that he’s the one who bears the responsibility for putting bread on the table.

Rabbi Aaron Tendler