1 Nissan 5764
Asking Mechila from Guy Friends
I read the answers in your section of “Jerusalem Jems” and I really loved them and found it inspiring. I was wondering if you could help me with a question that I have.
I used to be very friendly with boys. I had alot of friends that were boys [you know ‘guy friends’] and we were very close. During my year in seminary I ‘flipped’ as they say, and decided not to speak to boys anymore. I explained this to three of them [there were many more that I should have told as well] and they were nice about it and actually seemed to respect me for it! Since that time I haven’t spoken to any of them or mixed with them at all, it just isn’t my scene anymore. So here is the problem. I recently found out that one or two of them were very hurt by my decision, though they didn’t say so at the time. [obviously, because they are boys!]
I was wondering if I should ask mechila from them, especially since I was so close with them.. I feel that they now hate me and think that I am extremely rude. This was several years back, but it does bother me some. I do stress that I am very past this and am now in shidduchim. What should I do?
Thank you so much for your time.
Name withheld by request
Dear JemSem Reader,
First of all I want to congratulate you on your wise decision of a few years ago to stop having friendships with boys and to having stuck with it! This is something that alot of girls grapple with and I am impressed with your ability to have acheived this. It is a BIG DEAL and I commend you for it!
I can however, understand your feelings of how they see it, and that it bothers you that you hurt them. What I think would be the most appropriate thing would be to write a letter. In it you could apologize for having hurt them while at the same time re-explain that you did this because you knew it was the right thing to do. You didn’t do it to spite them, hurt them, or demean them, but for your own personal growth it was something that needed to be done. I think the letter should be more towards the impersonal side, sort of matter of fact. What you don’t want to do is to reopen any can of worms or communication between you. It is a letter of apology that you felt had to be written, that’s it. You’re not interested in any reply or anything. Wish them hatzlacha in their life.
After this, forget about it all. That is all behind you now. As you said you are in shidduchim and have a wonderful future to look forward to. It sounds like you were able to make the changes that you needed to and are on to great things!
Haba L’taheir …
With Warmest Wishes,