Attraction & Affection
by Mrs. Chana Silver
I feel so confused! I have heard so many different opinions about attraction in dating – and I just don’t know what to think! Can you please shed some light on this issue? Is it important? [There are those that say not.] If it’s not there – how should one go about it? Can it develop?
Thank you! And thanks for this incredible site!
Name and Seminary withheld upon request
Dear JemSem Reader,
Thanks for bringing up an important and much talked about issue. I hope I can give a bit of clarity to it. Of course, it is an important concept in dating. The problem is that everyone has conjured up in their imagination who their prince charming is going to be and what he is going to look like. And in walks your date and this doesn’t seem to fit in with what is going on in your head. What to do?
The truth is, you may have noticed that at school or work, when you meet people you may not think that they are so attractive, but as you get to know them they get nicer looking to you. This can happen in the dating world as well; it just may take a bit of time. Often attraction and affection grow through emotional connection, so the more you get to know each other, the better you look to each other.
So how does one navigate this? Emotion, attraction, excitement don’t usually increase by leaps and bounds. What you are looking for are small increments of change. If your feelings are even in a ‘baby step’ fashion heading in a positive direction, it’s worthwhile, to keep going out and see what happens. You may be utterly surprised to find your feeling of attraction and fondness for the person have changed [for the better!] as you begin to connect with and see the depth of the person you are dating.
If after three or four dates it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere – either there’s no change whatsoever or there are some things you are feeling negative about – then it’s time to end it. But you do want to feel that in each case you truly gave it the effort it deserves.
The general rule about many issues in dating when you are uncertain about things, is to go out a bit more, and it will usually bring some form of clarity. Either you will see that your gut instincts were right and now you feel more sure that whatever it is – is in fact an issue, or you will see that there is much more that meets the eye and you want to continue and pursue it and see what will develop.
I feel that in today’s frum dating world people discard others in a flippant and hasty fashion. We live in such an instant, impatient, and disposable world that often people just don’t give a relationship the proper time to unfold.
If, on the other hand, you are very attracted from the get go – so your work is to, as best as you can, put that on the back burner.You need to truly see who this person is on the emotional, intellectual and spiritual levels and build a real and dynamic relationship and not let the attraction overshadow everything. For as important as it is, there are so many other really important things that go into the creation of a deep relationship. One has to find the balance.
I hope this helps you in your journey in finding your bashert!
With Warmest Wishes,