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Kislev 5762 – Money vs Middos

1 Kislev 5762

Dear Chana,

I know that you receive many questions about shidduchim, but this is a question on which I must ask your advice. The truth is, Chana, I am accustomed to a certain level of comfort and I am having a real dilemma as to how much that should play on my future. There are many guys out there who have unbelievable midot, yet are not too financially secure, and there are those who have the money yet not the midot. Don’t get me wrong, of course there are all different types of guys, but at the moment I am actually faced with one of the above mentioned – he has the midot but cannot support me to the degree that I am accustomed. We are not involved yet and that is why I am seeking your advice. Do you think it is possible (realistic) for someone to just put their lifestyle aside and go for the guy with the midot or is it crucial to find the one who has the means to support you at your level of comfort?? I am looking forward to your response and thank you so much for your time.

Thank you,

Name & seminary withheld upon request

This is a very important question that you have asked. What you need to do is to make a real personal accounting of what you feel you honestly need in terms of level of comfort. Think back to what you were raised with, and where you are at right now. We all must ask ourselves constant questions and weigh what is a luxury for us or what is truly a necessity. It is certainly a good idea to re-evaluate where we are and to make sure to work on ourselves concerning this. Opulence and luxury seem to be the call of the hour, and with these areas left unhindered and unchecked there is no end. Perhaps, there are things that you could work toward giving up. Of course, on the flip side you must be honest with yourself and know who you are. You must be realistic. If you feel that you need a certain level of comfort in a certain area – then, to do without that may make you very unhappy. Many things are changeable, but some things are more a part of us than other things. This takes a lot of introspection, and is completely an individual and personal issue.

The Middos and quality of a person is obviously of incredible importance. This is certainly not what you would want to give up on! The bottom line is that you should look for someone who has both the financial security and the Middos that you are looking for. There surely are guys out there who will have both, as well as the Hashkafa and lifegoals that you have. The reason that you feel that it must be one or the other is probably because you haven’t met your bashert yet! The guy that is tailor-made for you will have all the pieces of the puzzle which will fit together rather smoothly.

So, do some deep thinking and analyze who you are and what you think you really must have and what you feel you can live without. Absolutely, do not compromise on the real essence of the person, for that is of the utmost relevance! These major aspects of the person that you marry must all be there – it isn’t one or the other.

May you find your ‘intended’ -in a z’man b’karov!

With warm wishes,
Chana