Cheshvan 5767 – Is It Over Or Not?

Cheshvan 5767
Is it Over or Not?

Dear Chana,

I recently went out with a guy a few times. Each time I really enjoyed the date. The shadchan told me that he also had a really good time with me. We had the same hashkafos, similar goals in our Torah lifestlye, and communication was great. I have never communicated with a guy so well before this. I definitely never liked a guy this much. I was getting very excited about the whole thing and suddenly the shadchan told me after the last date the he doesn’t think it is going to work out. Just the date before he had told the shadchan that he was really looking forward to the next date and maybe just maybe I was THE ONE. I have no idea what happened so suddenly and the shadchan doesn’t know either. She said she didn’t have time to ask him what went wrong. In short, the relationship is over with and I have no idea what happened. I am left hanging. I keep telling myself that if the shadchan would have been more involved and concerned, she could have smoothed out any misunderstandings!!

The first week my heart just ached and I couldn’t stop crying, and I am not even the emotional type! It has been a couple of weeks now, and every time I think about it [ which is frequently] it still hurts so much. OH – I just wish I could turn back the clock! Yes, I know that it is meant to be, and that I have to trust in Hashem and it is all for the best. When I tell myself these things, it doesn’t seem to help and I can’t seem to calm myself down. I am still blaming it on the shadchan, as well. Another problem is that I am not interested in any other guy who is read to me. I still feel like he will realize that he made a mistake and regret it. There is a piece of me that knows that I am not being totally realistic, but I had no closure and am having a hard time getting past this [ as you can see!!] What should I do now? Help!! I apologize for this lengthy question – but I really hope that you can help me.

Name and Seminary withheld by request

Dear JemSem Reader,

I perfectly understand where you are coming from! As you said, all seemed to be going very well [from both sides] and then boom! It’s over and you have no idea why. You had no closure on any level, and in some ways it probably doesn’t even feel real.

I’m not quite sure what happened with the shadchan. I don’t understand what she means when she says she ” didn’t have time to ask him what went wrong.” The job of a shadchan is much much more than just suggesting an idea and working out where the couple will meet!!! The shadchan should be quite involved with the dymanics of what is going on. He or she should be a helpful third party to facilitate the situation. There is so much miscomunication that can occur between the couple and often the shadchan can be very beneficial. Now that this has ended and affected your life, she should at least be able to explain to you something about it. There are so many people who like to ‘play shadchan’ and aren’t really sure what they are doing. As a matter of fact, because I hear of things going awry so often that possibly could have been prevented, I have considered giving some classes to people who would like to set people up. Perhaps giving them some hadracha of how to go about these things would help.

What I think you should do in this case is to call the shadchan back. This will either help you gain clarity about the situation and move on, or perhaps shift the situation. If she truly does not know what happened, she can call the boy back and have him explain the situation, or maybe tell him that you would still be interested, and see what he says. There are lots of times in the shidduch world, that a person doesn’t accept what has happened and they may try gently to look into it more or try to do something about it. This would, in your situation, be making a fuller hishtadlus on your part. Whatever the outcome is, at least you know that you have done your utmost. I don’t want to give you false hope, but it is certainly worth a try, especially when things seemed to be going so well and you are totally in the dark as to why it ended.

It is wonderful that you keep trying to tell yourself all the right things!! Aside from the fact that it is true [all is for the best, etc.] even though it doesn’t seem to be helping you right now, keep it up. Eventually you will come to believe it more and more and it will help you.

If the answer is really no and it seems quite final, so you need to really work on your mindset and attitude. That this guy is outside your reality. This is a chance for you to actively choose to enhance your emunah and relationship with Hashem. To understand more deeply the idea of same’ach b’chelko. What you don’t have in your life, you don’t need! Your life and everything in it is truly tailor made just for you. What’s also important for you to realize and think about is that the fellow that Hashem already has chosen for you will be even better and more mattim than this one was!! That is surely a comforting thought! Your avodah will be to truly put your heart and soul into the future people that you date and to work through in your mind that each new guy is a real possibility for you to marry. With alot of effort these thoughts and attitude are doable.

Whatever the outcome is and with whoever it should be with, zman b’karov!

With Warmest Wishes,