Adar II 5771
Dating Life Issues: What To Factor In – What To Filter Out – Part 3
by Mrs. Chana Silver
I have heard so many differing and confusing opinions about family issues / divorce / shalom bayis problems / psychological conditions / and physical illness concerning shidduchim. In your opinion how should one go about it all? It seems so daunting when there are issues! Can you break down some of the ideas and the how tos involved and give some advice about them? How important do you think these things are?
Jemsem is so full of great info! Thank you!
Dear Jemsem Reader,
Ok we are up to our 3rd part in this important all encompassing question. We have covered some info on family issues and psychological conditions and now we will discuss physical illness.
The person you are looking into may have been ill earlier in life or is currently ill, or perhaps there is an illness in the family. What is the proper way to deal with this?
Similar to psychological issues, you have to do your research. What is the nature of the illness? How does it affect the quality of a life? Is it genetic? If it is from the past, is there a chance of re-occurrence or did they receive a clean bill of health? Does it affect the persons future? See if you can get permission to speak to the actual doctors of the person, concerning their specific case.
Tzipporah contracted a certain physical illness when she was in her early teens. She is under the care of specialists, and she is extremely careful to maintain her health aside from and including this condition. For several years she was having serious problems with shidduchim. As soon as boys would find out [either before they started dating or during the dating] they would say no. Many times there was no checking out of the condition, just a flat out no. It was difficult and depressing. Finally along came the boy who was destined to be her husband. The family checked everything out, spoke to her doctors and were ultimately fine with what they heard. Tzipporah is a real gem of girl, and her husband is one lucky guy. They are currently building a beautiful relationship and family.
As always, talk it over with a Rav, as well as consider your personal feelings about all this. All of these things [ family issues / psychological and physical conditions] take a lot of thought and contemplation. They are certainly not decisions that are quickly and easily made.
With all of the above situations, the information that you find out should remain top secret and confidential, only spoken over with the key people who are helping you with the shidduch. In most cases the shadchan does not need to know the information unless they are directly involved with helping you through it. Whenever you are in doubt about whom to tell or not ask a Rav.
To flippantly abandon and thrust aside a shidduch suggestion because he or she isn’t perfect is not wise. No one is really perfect, but he may be perfect for you, and this may be a situation that you will be able to handle. Also, it is important to remember that his person may be even more special than average because of the nisyonos that he has been through. Difficulties in life can truly enhance, humble and deepen a person.
Life is certainly about choices for all of us, so be open- eyed and open- minded, do your research, speak to a Rav and key people, and see where it takes you.
Thanks so much for your special question that turned into a 3 part very important series on dating issues!
With warmest wishes,